Lately, I've been struggling with this notion. While I still place
the bulk of the blame on my husband for his choices, I know some of the responsibility
lies on my shoulders. My newest obsession is..."I knew but never did
anything to stop it." I never had solid evidence that my husband was
cheating on me; however, my intuition told me otherwise. I've read all those
articles... "10 signs he's cheating on you" or "how to prevent
your husband from straying." I somehow always managed to rationalize them
away. I even recall one conversation with a friend where I said something along
the lines of feeling like he might be talking to someone else but he would
never have time to actually cheat on me. I knew the whole time but I never
found the evidence I was looking for.
My husband would never allow me to handle his cell phone and that
made me suspicious, rightfully so. I talked with him about this on several
occasions, to which he would reply, "you have nothing to worry about,
there is no one else." Lies. He made me feel like I was the crazy one for not trusting him. It truly makes me ill looking back on how he so
easily manipulated me. How he made me feel bad for being skeptical of
his hidden computer chats and phone messages. I hate him for that. Mostly, I
hate him for allowing me to blindly trust him more than I trusted my own
intuition.
My naivety, in this particular situation, was really a fault. I
too often believe everything people tell me because I've been fortunate enough,
in my 29 years, not to have had experiences that made me mistrustful. So
in the wake of my husband’s infidelity, I now question everything and everyone.
There is a sense of innocence lost. How unfortunate that one
experience, albeit traumatic experience, can erase a
lifetime of good experiences. But maybe it has given me an opportunity,
one I never asked for, to truly examine myself. To make things better within
myself. Being too trustful in a world of sinful human nature
was probably not my best quality anyway. My hope is that one day I
can achieve a happy medium.
I know in order to forgive my husband, I must forgive myself
first. I have to let go of the “what if's” and the “I should have known's."
I know I probably could have tried harder to uncover my husband’s
dirty secret. I could have looked at the phone bill, or demanded to see
his facebook or cell phone but I never did. That tells me a lot about myself in
our marriage. I would have rather avoided a fight with him than to
dismantle his affair. I've learned the only one I have control over is myself
and I can choose to believe blindly or I can trust my own intuition. Because God knows, when something doesn't feel
right...it's usually not. I won't pull the covers over my head, and I'll fight
for what's mine. My husband has taken far too much from me already
and I'll be damned if I let him, his choices, and her, take away the last shred of trust I have in myself.
You poor thing. I cant imagine going through this while trying to take care of an infant. It's such a disappointment to realize our intuition was right and we didn't trust it. I wish I hadn't dismissed the signs as easily as I did
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment. It certainly has been an unwanted learning experience... probably even more about myself than my husband! It's hard not to beat ourselves up wishing we did more or listened to ourselves but now we know better. I wish you the very best on your road to recovery, wherever you may be in the process.
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