It's been 2 years. 2 flippin' years! This is the moment every betrayed wife longs for. The day all the books tell you the affair will be behind you. In my case, I think it might be true. I've felt better, much better than I have in a long time. Last year on our 1 year anniversary of D-Day I lost it. I had a lapse in my sanity all over again. This year, the day sort of came and went. We went out to dinner and came home and had sex. It was a good day. I don't think of the affair everyday anymore. In fact, I can't remember the last time we talked about it. So, since I don't have much to share on that front, I thought I would instead reflect on what I have learned from my husbands affair.
1. I am in charge of my own happiness. I found that in the past, I relied on my husband to make me happy, entirely. I look back and I can see how I manipulated conversation and/or nonverbal communication to get him to do what I wanted. If he didn't say the exact phrase I was looking for or didn't show me enough affectionate when we were out, I punished him and myself by being miserable. Or if he was in a bad mood because of a rough day at work, I too was suddenly unhappy and unwilling to to give him what he needed. We can't expect one person to make us happy all the time. That is a lot of pressure to put on a person. It sets them up for disaster, not to mention our marriage. We need to be able retain our interests outside of our spouse and marriage. I started doing things I enjoy again; such as, baking, DIY projects around the house, painting, sewing. All of these things made me happy in different ways, separate from my husband. I was able to put my expectations of him into perspective and give him a better, happier version of myself, regardless if he told me I looked pretty this morning.
2. God's plan is best. When I discovered my husbands affair, I couldn't understand why God would allow this to happen to me. What good could possibly come from this circumstance? I didn't trust God because I felt like he suddenly did not have my best interests at heart. I decided I had to be in charge if I was ever going to be happy. What made me happy was punishing my husband. Belittling him at every opportunity. Bringing him to his knees every night of the week by berating him for hours on end and threatening to sign divorce papers if he dared leave the room. That's abuse. It truly is. I was waiting for things to get better but I what I was doing was pushing him away. He was moving closer and closer to giving up on me and our marriage and that was not what I wanted. I held on to resentment and bitterness far too long. My husband never made so much as a slip up on our road to recovery. He was at every counseling session, he took the blame, he reassured me before I needed to ask for it, and he never spoke to the OW again. Yet, I refused to give up control by forgiving him. It took me 32 months to utter the words I forgive you. I have never seen the look of relief and pure joy in my husbands eyes the moment I said those 3 measly little words. I finally was able to forgive my husband in my heart, only after I relinquished control and prayed to God, asking for direction.
3. Marriage is the single hardest job I have ever had. Nothing compares. An affair was inevitable in my marriage. We opened the door to outside influences because we both lived to serve ourselves. Instead of focusing on each others happiness we focused all our energy into, "What can YOU do to make ME happy." Marriage is a 24/7 job that's hard and sometimes exhausting but a marriage in which each partner puts more in than what they expect to take out is simply beautiful. When I serve my husband, I find he is more willing to serve me and vice versa. When we schedule time to speak deeply about our lives and marriage we both find a deeper sense of intimacy and not to mention security in each other. I believe God has given me the man I was suppose to live my life with. And despite all the challenges we have faced, there is no one else I'd rather put in the work with.
-K
