Intuition

  Lately, I've been struggling with this notion. While I still place the bulk of the blame on my husband for his choices, I know some of the responsibility lies on my shoulders. My newest obsession is..."I knew but never did anything to stop it." I never had solid evidence that my husband was cheating on me; however, my intuition told me otherwise. I've read all those articles... "10 signs he's cheating on you" or "how to prevent your husband from straying." I somehow always managed to rationalize them away. I even recall one conversation with a friend where I said something along the lines of feeling like he might be talking to someone else but he would never have time to actually cheat on me. I knew the whole time but I never found the evidence I was looking for. 

     My husband would never allow me to handle his cell phone and that made me suspicious, rightfully so. I talked with him about this on several occasions, to which he would reply, "you have nothing to worry about, there is no one else." Lies. He made me feel like I was the crazy one for not trusting him. It truly makes me ill looking back on how he so easily manipulated me. How he made me feel bad for being skeptical of his hidden computer chats and phone messages. I hate him for that. Mostly, I hate him for allowing me to blindly trust him more than I trusted my own intuition.

     My naivety, in this particular situation, was really a fault. I too often believe everything people tell me because I've been fortunate enough, in my 29 years, not to have had experiences that made me mistrustful. So in the wake of my husband’s infidelity, I now question everything and everyone. There is a sense of innocence lost. How unfortunate that one experience, albeit traumatic experience, can erase a lifetime of good experiences. But maybe it has given me an opportunity, one I never asked for, to truly examine myself. To make things better within myself. Being too trustful in a world of sinful human nature was probably not my best quality anyway. My hope is that one day I can achieve a happy medium.

     I know in order to forgive my husband, I must forgive myself first. I have to let go of the “what if's” and the “I should have known's." I know I probably could have tried harder to uncover my husband’s dirty secret. I could have looked at the phone bill, or demanded to see his facebook or cell phone but I never did. That tells me a lot about myself in our marriage. I would have rather avoided a fight with him than to dismantle his affair. I've learned the only one I have control over is myself and I can choose to believe blindly or I can trust my own intuition. Because God knows, when something doesn't feel right...it's usually not. I won't pull the covers over my head, and I'll fight for what's mine. My husband has taken far too much from me already and I'll be damned if I let him, his choices, and her, take away the last shred of trust I have in myself. 

Here's my story...

     I've often heard journaling is therapeutic after sustaining trauma and sometimes when you know others are privy to reading your thoughts and providing insight it can help you heal even more. I'm not notorious for being a writer and my thoughts are typically all over the place. I'm still at the beginning stages of discovery but figured this was worth a try. Commiserate with me anyway?


     I discovered my husband was having an affair three long months ago on October 2, 2013. Our first baby was born two months prior and I was in the midst of post partum depression. I was sleep deprived and craving my old life. I loved being a mother but I longed to get out of the house and do as I pleased. I thought I would never feel sane again (little did I know). My house was always a mess and I barely had time for a quick shower. On this particular night (Oct 2, 2013) my husband, who I rarely saw without his cell phone glued to his hand, went out to run some errands while I mopped the floors. I quickly scrubbed the floors singing along to the "gigglebellies" in an attempt to keep the little one content. After I finished, I came into the living room to take a quick breath before moving onto the next "to do" item. I noticed my husband’s cell phone carelessly lying on the couch. I thought it was odd that he left it behind, considering he never let it out of his sight. I thought about leaving it there but something told me to look at and so I did. The first message was from a number I didn't recognize but one that is now embedded in my mind. I clicked the message open, unprepared for the words that lie ahead. My life would never be the same.

     I read a few lines of back and forth messages of a sexual nature. I could see the ones before had been deleted. I felt like I was reading messages between two people I had never met and then I realized what was happening. I felt numb and then I got sick. I paced the living room floor determined to find out who this bitch was. I messaged her back. "Do you know I'm married?" (Obviously not the most thought out text). She replied within seconds, "what?" and then "That must have been meant for someone else" "That's what I thought" and then so eloquently she says, "Busted." I began shaking, with blood rushing to my cheeks. I knew who it was. A coworker of his that also happened to attend our wedding as a date of one of our guests. Not only did she know he was married, she knew who I was. She watched us exchange vows and have our first dance. Whore. I took his phone outside and smashed it on the sidewalk. I stood in the doorway waiting for him to get home. 

     My husband looked dumb founded as he gathered the pieces of his phone. He asked, "What is going on?" I think he knew. I began my tirade, while smashing photos and empting his drawers. He told me he had sex with her twice the previous summer but continued on and off texting. I was fuming. I asked him to leave and I spent the night in utter shock. He cheated on me?

     I woke up the next morning, still in the same clothes, smeared makeup and my mom lying next to me. For a fleeting moment I thought, "What is she doing here." Reality hit me like a train. I didn't know it then but I was about to live the worst day of my life.