Intuition

  Lately, I've been struggling with this notion. While I still place the bulk of the blame on my husband for his choices, I know some of the responsibility lies on my shoulders. My newest obsession is..."I knew but never did anything to stop it." I never had solid evidence that my husband was cheating on me; however, my intuition told me otherwise. I've read all those articles... "10 signs he's cheating on you" or "how to prevent your husband from straying." I somehow always managed to rationalize them away. I even recall one conversation with a friend where I said something along the lines of feeling like he might be talking to someone else but he would never have time to actually cheat on me. I knew the whole time but I never found the evidence I was looking for. 

     My husband would never allow me to handle his cell phone and that made me suspicious, rightfully so. I talked with him about this on several occasions, to which he would reply, "you have nothing to worry about, there is no one else." Lies. He made me feel like I was the crazy one for not trusting him. It truly makes me ill looking back on how he so easily manipulated me. How he made me feel bad for being skeptical of his hidden computer chats and phone messages. I hate him for that. Mostly, I hate him for allowing me to blindly trust him more than I trusted my own intuition.

     My naivety, in this particular situation, was really a fault. I too often believe everything people tell me because I've been fortunate enough, in my 29 years, not to have had experiences that made me mistrustful. So in the wake of my husband’s infidelity, I now question everything and everyone. There is a sense of innocence lost. How unfortunate that one experience, albeit traumatic experience, can erase a lifetime of good experiences. But maybe it has given me an opportunity, one I never asked for, to truly examine myself. To make things better within myself. Being too trustful in a world of sinful human nature was probably not my best quality anyway. My hope is that one day I can achieve a happy medium.

     I know in order to forgive my husband, I must forgive myself first. I have to let go of the “what if's” and the “I should have known's." I know I probably could have tried harder to uncover my husband’s dirty secret. I could have looked at the phone bill, or demanded to see his facebook or cell phone but I never did. That tells me a lot about myself in our marriage. I would have rather avoided a fight with him than to dismantle his affair. I've learned the only one I have control over is myself and I can choose to believe blindly or I can trust my own intuition. Because God knows, when something doesn't feel right...it's usually not. I won't pull the covers over my head, and I'll fight for what's mine. My husband has taken far too much from me already and I'll be damned if I let him, his choices, and her, take away the last shred of trust I have in myself.